Toward Fairer School Dress Codes

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School Dress Codes: What do you think?

Lots of people are getting mad about school dress codes, especially the ones that seem primarily aimed at female students. From kindergartners being humiliated for wearing sundresses, to high school honor students being sent home for wearing long baggy shirts over leggings, there’s been a steady and increasing practice of singling out women for what they wear and how they look.

Schools say they’re just trying to maintain a “distraction-free” learning environment. They want students to be dressed “appropriately” as is befitting a serious education institution.

Ahhh…distraction free and appropriate. Well, that makes it all okay, then! We certainly don’t want to be inappropriate or distract anyone from learning. And bare shoulders on a five year old could certainly be distracting–not sure for whom, or if those people should be allowed to work with children, but you know, we’ll just go with it.

However, the current school dress codes only address the problem of straight male students and teachers being distracted by female students. I mean, yes, of course lesbians could also be distracted, but apparently no school believes they have lesbian students to worry about.

What about the straight women and gay men, or bi- and pan-sexual students and faculty? We deserve to be protected from distractions and being driven to lust by the male form as well.

So in an effort to help make school dress codes more fair for everyone, here are my suggestions for how we can keep young men from distracting others in the classroom:

School Dress Codes for Boys:

  • Shirts that reveal or emphasize muscle definition are not appropriate for a classroom learning environment and could distract female students and teachers. Shirts that are deemed too revealing, especially across the shoulders or pectorals must be covered by a sweatshirt or jacket. Students without a sweatshirt or jacket will either be sent home or be provided with an orange plastic rain poncho to wear for the remainder of the school day.
  • All shirts must have sleeves that extend to no more than two finger-widths above the elbow and must not cling to or reveal the bicep muscles. “Muscle” shirts are strictly forbidden. School administrators will pin pink sleeve extensions to any male shirt deemed too short.
  • Button-down shirts must be buttoned all the way to the top collar button. Leaving the top button open to reveal the throat and any part of the clavicle is unacceptable.
  • Trousers and jeans must not cling to the curve of the buttocks. All pants must be of sufficient looseness so that the shape and size of the buttocks is not discernible as the student walks. Tie-on ruffled bustles in school colors will be provided to any male whose pants are deemed too tight across the posterior.
  • Trousers, jeans, and pants must not show or emphasize bulges in the groin area. Students with visible groin bulges will be sent home to change or required to wear a loose fitting floral skirt provided by the school.
  • Hair must not be thick or wavy. Male students with such hair shall be required to keep it cut to 1/4″ or shorter so as to avoid distracting other students.
  • Eyelashes must not extend more than 7 mm in length. Eyelashes longer than 7 mm must be trimmed to an appropriate length or covered by sunglasses.
  • Sunglasses must not be worn inside the school. Not only is this for safety reasons, but also to prevent others from being distracted.
  • Facial hair must be worn as a full beard with mustache or as handlebar mustache with long chin puff. Clean-shaven, stubble, chin-straps, and other well-maintained facial hair styles are inappropriate as they may distract students and detract from the learning environment.
  • Male students with long fingers will be required to wear mittens at all times so as to avoid distracting other students with speculation of how finger length corresponds to groin bulge length.

Implementing these sensible school dress codes will teach young men to have self-respect as well as contributing to a serious school environment focused on learning and promoting professional behavior.

Scroll through some visual examples here:

man in t-shirt
How dare this man flaunt his fine pecs and shoulders like this? Plus, those sleeves are definitely too short. He should be looking down–in shame. 😉
Hint of throat and too fitted across the chest. Button up and buy a bigger size, sir! Plus, see above about that neatly-kept facial hair. Tsk, tsk.
Bulge alert! Give this guy a floral skirt, please–for the good of the children! (And the drill he’s holding isn’t Freudian at all…nope…)
Stick a bustle on this butt, STAT!
Terrible shame to make him cut such gorgeous curls, but we must NOT subject students to this kind of visual distraction in the classroom. So…snip-snip!
Indecently long lashes! Have some self-respect, dude! Think of what you’re doing to your fellow students, parading those things around in public! Geez… *fans self*
Couple issues here–first the shades. Second, the slight scruff. Way too cool for school, buddy.
So remember, guys, when you’re deciding what to wear to school…um…I forgot what I was saying…too distracted…

Let’s hear it for fair school dress codes for all!


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